Forever in My Arms..

me and fiqar

“But the first year is fleeting, and it was over before I had much chance to appreciate it..”

This afternoon I found this following article while scrolling down my Facebook news feed. A deep and contemplative thought from Mothering Magazine with title: Nostalgia for the Baby Days: Accepting the Impermanence of Childhood. An article every Mom should stop for a while and read.

Starts from here..

“I’m sitting in a coffee shop, focused on my work, when a woman walks in carrying a baby who can be no more than five months old. This is my long day of work for the week, when my eighteen-month-old son spends the entire day with his aunt, and we’re apart for twelve hours. I feel a pang of longing, not only to be with my son—which is something I feel frequently when I’m away from him for so long—but also to be, once again, with the baby he used to be. To hold him in my arms the way I used to, without the toddler squirminess that now cuts short our snuggling sessions much sooner than I’d like.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore this toddler stage too. The nonstop energy and exploration, his ability to communicate more and more every day. The way he sometimes says “mom” right before he falls asleep, in the softest, sweetest voice imaginable. His obvious delight when he learns something new. And, yes, his ability to occupy himself for brief moments, so that I can sneak away for a bit of solitude.

There was a time when I didn’t understand the nostalgia with which mothers spoke about their children’s infancy. It seemed wrong to wish for the baby that the child used to be. But I get it now. Being nostalgic for my son’s infancy doesn’t mean that I love the person he is now any less. Instead, the more he becomes himself, the more my love seems to grow. But the first year is fleeting, and it was over before I had much chance to appreciate it.

I think of having another child, of once again being the mother with a baby snuggled against her chest in a coffee shop. But then I remember, I have a toddler. So I’d be a mother with a baby snuggled against her chest and a toddler clinging to her leg, vying for her limited time and attention. Never again will it be just me and my baby. Though there will be different kinds of sweetness as our family grows, the (relative) simplicity of those baby days with my first and only will be forever in the past.

The urge to tell the mother in the coffee shop how lucky she is, to advise that she appreciate every moment, is almost irresistible. Until I remember how hard those early months were, how entirely drained I often felt, how I sometimes wondered whether I would make it another day. We’ve since moved onto new struggles; the previous struggles now barely cling to the edges of my memory. But there was a time that, despite the sweetness of newborn snuggles, I felt like I was in the trenches. Maybe she feels that way now. I decide to keep my mouth shut.

Being a mother means accepting the reality of impermanence. When I was childless, I structured my life to create the illusion of permanence, and the feeling of safety that it provides. Not so anymore. I don’t structure my own life these days. Now I just do my best to let go of what I know was always an illusion anyway.

My son looks more like a boy every day. He moves on to tomorrow before I can process what happened yesterday. I take endless photographs in an attempt to capture who he is in each moment, knowing that he’ll be a different person before the shutter can close once again. It’s futile, I know, but having something permanent helps me to accept that life is anything but.”

End of the article.

You know what, reading that makes me melt inside.

Inget Sabtu kemaren ngedate berdua Fiqar pulang dari walimah temen. Just the two of us. Berdua aja. Jalan-jalan ke mol, beliin dia baju, makan es krim, puas muterin mol berdua pake trolley, cekikikan di toilet, meluk plus nyiumin dia yang pules ketiduran di angkot and so on.

Pas sampe rumah dan ngeliat dia terlelap kecapean, terselip sedikit rasa sedih. Kapan ya bisa begini lagi? Nggak lama lagi dia besar, tumbuh jadi anak laki-laki, lantas beranjak jadi remaja dan pria dewasa. Akan banyak hal yang berubah pastinya.

Nggak bisa semesra dulu ndusel-ndusel di ketek emaknya. Nggak bisa digendong-gendong dann diciumin sepuas hati. Apalagi sebentar lagi Fiqar bakal disapih. Pasti bakal kangen sama eye contact pas lagi nyusuin. Momen kedekatan seorang ibu dengan bayinya yang amat sangat priceless.

So to all mothers with babies.. Untuk para Ibu yang punya baby, puas-puaslah menikmati momen berharga bersama bayi Anda. Nikmatilah waktu.. nikmatilah tiap tahap proses perkembangan mereka. Karena suatu saat pasti Anda akan sangat merindukannya ❤

And yes, sometimes all I wanna do is to hold you forever in my arms, and never let go..

~ Jakarta, a memorable note to my little man: Abdurrahman Dzulfiqar, 19 months 🙂

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