Leaving a Toxic and Abusive Relationship

“Self love is so important. Because when you’re all alone and it’s 3 in the morning and you’re lying on the floor crying and shaking and wishing it all would end, who’s going to be there for you? You. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got.” —Unknown

In a good and healthy relationship, there is a feeling about being safe, secure, and convenient. An undefined connection. Ada rasa aman, nyaman juga kedekatan yang tidak terjelaskan. Someone who feels like home.

We don’t need to put a mask or fake a smile. We mean what we say. We can be ourselves, inside and out. We are sincere and honest with our feelings. We are not afraid to express our emotions, what bother our minds, without any hesitation.

Lantas bagaimanakah jika orang yang seharusnya melindungi dan menyakiti kita ternyata adalah orang yang sama? One minute he says “I love you”, the second he begins to throw things or threaten to hurt you?

There you know, you already have an abusive and toxic relationship. A relationship that makes you confused about the real definition of “love”.

He says “I love you” for a million times.

He makes you feel like you are the precious one.

He promises to be there with you when you’re feeling low and cold.

He assures you that you are the one and only.

Then the hardest part is knowing—and proving that those words are nothing but a lie.

He starts to hit you, again and again. He cheats on you, again and again. He lies to you, again and again. He abuse you, again and again. He breaks your heart into pieces, again and again.

Sebagian dari kita mungkin akan dengan mudah berkomentar,“udah tinggalin aja laki-laki kayak gitu, mulai lembaran baru..”. But you know what, it is not, never, as easy as it may seem.

Kebanyakan korban abusive and toxic relationship terpenjara dalam rasa ketidakberdayaan. Mereka biasa diperlakukan sebagai benda yang tidak berharga, bukan sebagai manusia. Dipukul, dikhianati, diselingkuhi, dibohongi, dihina, dijadikan samsak hidup sampai dipaksa jadi tulang punggung keluarga, dsb.

Selama bertahun-tahun diperlakukan demikian, tentu menimbulkan luka emosional yang tidak mudah untuk disembuhkan. Perasaan tidak berharga, tidak dicintai, tidak berhak untuk diperlakukan secara manusiawi menghantui tiap langkah mereka.

Mengapa banyak terjadi kasus abuse atau kekerasan dalam suatu hubungan? Di antaranya adalah karena low self esteem alias rendahnya harga diri salah satu pasangan yang menjadi korban kekerasan. Yang satu inferior and having low self esteem, satunya lagi narcissist-sociopath.

Perasaan inferior, rendah diri, lebih tak berarti dibandingkan pasangannya. Mereka merasa pantas mendapat perlakuan yang sebenarnya tidak pantas mereka terima, hanya karena menganggap dirinya tak berharga dan pasangannya jauh lebih segala-galanya dari dirinya.

Dan karena merasa begitu tak berharga, ia tak berdaya saat pasangannya memperlakukannya seenak hatinya. They were overwhelmed by trauma, full of feeling low and a sense of not being good enough.

Whenever she complains about his abusive behavior, he shut her up and called her mad.

Whenever she tries to speak her real feelings about being betrayed and hurt, he called her crazy and overreacted.

Whenever she attempts to escape from that sick relationship, he hunted her down, locked her up and threw away the key.

This is sad, yet this happens…

I know many of people who suffer from this type of relationship. Year after year you keep silent, try to endure the pain, pick up your own pieces to be stronger, and always convince yourself that this nightmare will be over.

But unfortunately, it isn’t.

It isn’t—and it won’t be over, until you make it stop by yourself. It is you who can change your fate. It is you who responsible for your own happiness. It is you who can stand up for yourself when nobody else does.

Sometimes staying with the person you love will break you more than being without them. And every now and then, they can make you feel so good about yourself, but just because they make you feel good does not mean they are not toxic.

It’d never be that easy, but it will be worth it. This time, just refuse to be a victim. Try to call yourself a fighter. Everyone has their limit and you know (you know, don’t you?) that this was enough.

There are brighter days ahead if you brave enough to let it go. If you have the willing to close the door that lead you nowhere but misery. If you have enough courage to move on and start all over again.

No more live in the shadows. No more feeling insecure, threatened and inferior. No more bruises all over your body and scars on your heart. No more hurtful truth, broken days or nights full of tears.

“A woman who doesn’t know her worth will settle for less than she deserves and find herself trapped in a mess that’s even harder to get out of. Women without boundaries will soon be women without respect. You set the standard of how you should be treated. Its not cockiness or pride. Its VALUE. Just because someone desires you doesn’t mean they value you.” -Unknown

Something needs to be left behind in order to continue moving forward. Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love or make you doubt your self worth. Never allow someone treat you poorly just because you love them.

Always remember these words, dear…

“The wrong person makes you beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person give you these things because they love you.”

Dear women, be brave on defending yourself. Say loud and clear about what hurts you, what makes you feel uncomfortable. Don’t just sit at the corner in fear. Have the courage to speak and stand up.

If it is not you (who protect you), then who else will? If it’s not now, then when? Don’t let him make you suffer any longer.  Never a victim, forever a fighter!

You deserve to live a life that lights you up. Without any fear, misery and uncertainty.

You deserve to have a deep and beautiful connection with someone who you really love and trust.

You deserve someone who treats you well and proper, not that one who treats you like a total trash.

You deserve the best feeling about loving and being loved in return, unconditionally.

You deserve to be happy, authentic and free.

Because in the end, that’s exactly what love is all about….

Happiness…..

~ Jakarta, some minutes after midnight, September 2017.. cause if it’s destroying you, then it isn’t love, my dear..

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