The Unloved Children of Narcissistic Parents

A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem.” – Naomi Wolf.

There are many types of unconditional love. And a parent’s love, is definitely one of them. But sadly, there are some types of parents who only love themselves, above anything in this world. Include their children.

A type of parents who has an ego problem. Narcissists. They teach their children that love is very conditional. They feel superior to everyone else, specifically to their children.

A type of parents who always in a competition with their children. No matter how hard their children try to do the best, it will never good enough . Even if they give them a compliment, they never do it sincerely.

They often play the victim card. They blame everything to their children. When they say sorry, they never really feel it. They trick their children’s mind and twist the truth. They often use tears as a form of manipulation and guilt.

Saya sering mendengar kisah nyata tentang orang tua dengan tipe kepribadian seperti ini. Kebanyakan dari curhat pribadi di inbox atau DM. Bahkan pernah menyaksikan dengan mata kepala sendiri, betapa jahatnya tipe orang tua seperti ini..

Hal-hal yang tidak seharusnya dilakukan oleh orang tua terhadap anaknya..

Hal-hal yang tidak pantas dilakukan oleh orang tua terhadap anaknya…

Hal-hal yang tidak pernah terbayangkan mengapa ada orang tua yang tega melakukan hal demikan terhadap anaknya..

“Kok bisa sih mereka melakukan itu terhadap anaknya sendiri?”

Yet that still happens. And like it or not, that’s real. The narcissistic parents do exist. And the first victims, are always their children.

Saya semakin sadar, bahwa ada tipe orang tua yang tidak tulus menyayangi anaknya. Ada orang tua yang justru ingin menghancurkan hidup dan impian anaknya, agar akhirnya sang anak merasa sangat tergantung pada dirinya.

Ia tidak rela melihat anaknya mandiri dan independen, kuat menghadapi dunia tanpa dirinya. Ia akan melakukan apapun agar sang anak merasa tak berdaya, tak punya kekuatan untuk berdiri di atas kaki sendiri.

Tipe orang tua seperti ini, mereka sangat otoriter dan diktator. Orangtua yang merasa super dan tak mau dibantah. Bahkan sekadar diberi masukan dan nasehat saja enggan untuk menerima.

Mereka mengabaikan perasaan dan emosi anak. The child’s emotions are never valued. Instead, the child is expected to take care of the narcissistic parent’s emotional needs.

Selalu anak yang harus mengerti dan menghormati perasaan orang tua, sedang orang tua tak perlu mengerti dan menghormati perasaan anak.

Mereka tidak pernah mau berkorban demi anak. Yang ada dalam pikirannya hanyalah “aku, aku, aku, dan aku”. Tipe orang tua yang sangat menjunjung tinggi ego pribadi dan mementingkan diri sendiri.

Mereka sering membandingkan anak mereka dengan anak orang lain. Menuntutnya agar sehebat anak-anak lain, meletakkan ambisi pribadi di pundak-pundak mereka. Tanpa pernah menyelami bakat, minat dan kemampuan anak mereka sendiri.

Seringkali mereka memuji orang lain setinggi langit, agar sang anak merasa gagal dan insecure. Sengaja membandingkan secara halus, agar sang anak merasa bahwa usaha yang selama ini dilakukannya, tidak cukup baik.

Mereka sangat jarang, bahkan hampir tidak pernah mengapresiasi kebaikan anak. Superior dan anti kritik. Selalu merasa yang paling tahu, paling benar, paling segala-galanya.

“Just because a person doesn’t put hands on you, that doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Abuse is control, blatant disrespect, and also hurtful words. Don’t settle for emotional abuse thinking it’s okay because it’s not physical.” – Tony A. Gaskins Jr

Anak-anak yang memiliki orang tua tipe narsistik ini, mereka akan merasa sangat tidak dicintai. Tidak dihargai, tidak diinginkan, tidak dianggap sebagai dirinya sendiri yang utuh. Selalu berada di bawah bayang-bayang orang lain.

Mereka merasa tidak pernah mampu memenuhi ekspektasi orang tua mereka, sekeras apapun mereka berjuang dan berusaha untuk menjadi yang terbaik di mata orang tuanya.

Kebanyakan tipe orang tua narsistik ini, tidak rela jika anaknya memiliki kelebihan. Sesuatu yang lebih dibandingkan dirinya. They envy their children’s accomplishments.

For them, life is always about being the most, the first, the number one. Life is merely a race, a competition. And that’s how they deal with life, and with their children.

Mereka sangat pelit akan pujian. Sangat sulit mengakui kelebihan anak. Pun jika mereka memuji anaknya, seringkali ada niat tersembunyi di baliknya. Ketulusan tidak pernah menjadi prioritas mereka. Apapun yang mereka lakukan, hanya demi keuntungan diri sendiri.

Children of this type of parents, are on the verge of breaking down. They suffer from mental abuse. They feel unloved, unwanted, unhappy, worthless, and never good enough.

They began to wonder, “Am I never good enough? Am I never doing something right? Never good enough that I deserve to be treated this way?”

Narcissistic parents treat their children like extensions of themselves. Instead of build up their confidence, a narcissistic parent tend to tear their children’s up until they feel they do not deserve to live, to win, or to love and to be loved in return.

They love to play with words. They use words to bring their children down. They know that words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into the souls.

“When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will instead try to control how others see you.”

This statement is 100% correct. I know a couple of friends who once were a victim of this kind of bullying. They were convinced by their own parents that they are delusional and crazy. And they always try to convince everyone that it is their children who is lying, manipulating, and abandoning.

To all the unloved children of narcissistic parents out there…

You are not alone, there are many of us out here who are recovering from the twisted lies, manipulations, and triangulations of narcissistic parents.

We are no ordinary children. All the grieve and heartbreak that we experienced, shaped us into a stronger version of us, a warrior. We can survive this battle, we can repair the damage, rebuild our self confidence and redesign our self concept.

Apa yang telah terjadi, jadikan pelajaran berarti. Siklus pola asuh yang salah itu harus diputus, bukan malah diwariskan pada generasi berikutnya. Let this poisonous parenting end up here.

Jika kita ditakdirkan memiliki toxic/narcissistic family member, terutama jika pelakunya adalah orang tua.. Bersabarlah atas takdir ini. Inilah salah satu ujian kita sebagai anak. Tetap berbuat baik selayaknya anak terhadap orang tua, namun jangan lupa membuat batasan.

Jika memang terlalu sering keep in touch justru menimbulkan banyak masalah, maka batasi frekuensi pertemuan agar gesekan-gesekan itu tidak terlalu sering terjadi. Setting boundaries is the key.

To all the unloved children of narcissistic parents out there..

I know you grieve for the loss of the mother or father you will never have. You were the victim of an emotional abuse, lack of self esteem, deal with fear and anxiety, and staying in a toxic relationship for so long.

What is done is done. It cannot be undone. Through pain, we learn many things. Through tears, we realize that we’re still human. Through (those difficult) years, we finally reinvent who we really are.

We cannot choose our parents, but we have the freedom to choose the best and the most effective way to deal with them. Make peace your ultimate priority. Never let anyone cross your boundaries.

A peaceful mind reflects in a peaceful life. You have the freedom to walk away from any toxic and poisonous relationship. You are precious, you are matter, and you deserve better. Never forget that.

However, they taught us a valuable lesson, exactly who and what we never want to be. So, be a parent they never were, hard as it may be, let it go. Let it go…

~ Jakarta, end of May 2018.. the children of a narcissistic parent are very special, they are survivors!

© AISYAFRA.WORDPRESS.COM

[ image source: Pinterest ]

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2 thoughts on “The Unloved Children of Narcissistic Parents

  1. Thank you so much for this blog! I can relate so much. You are right, we should try our best to make peace with this. The Lord calls us to be peacemakers. Loved reading this.💛🙌🏻

    Liked by 2 people

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