I’m You, but Stronger

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” — Haruki Murakami

Have you ever lose something or someone that means a lot to you? Something, or someone you thought you could never live without? Seems like, nothing or no one could ever replace their presence in your life..

And if the answer is yes, how did it feel? How deep the cut was? How long did you need time to accept, healed, and finally, move forward?

Some people said I’m a quick type of person to step forward and start over when the hard way comes. Well, that’s not entirely true. As a normal human being I need a certain period of time, to turn inward and process everything.

Sebagai manusia biasa, ketika dirundung masalah saya juga mengalami fase shock, denial, sampai akhirnya —biidznillah— bisa menerima dan berdamai dengan keadaan. Menerima apa yang tidak bisa diubah dengan hati lapang.

Tentu semua itu tidaklah terjadi dengan begitu mudah dan cepat. Yang perlu diingat, bahwa versi cepat dan mudah menurut kita dan orang lain bisa jadi berbeda. Each of us has our own pace and time. So let it be it.

Back in my younger days, saya pernah merasa begitu sendu, setiap malam sebelum tidur, selama beberapa hari. You know, young people can have big problems, too. And sometimes, it weighs heavier than what people assume.

There I was, in a deep pain, furious rage, utterly shattered, and betrayed. And the worst case is there was no one I could blame but myself. Me and my own (naive) expectations.

That was the first time reality slapped me in the face. First time I realized that.. (False) hope, can be a dangerous thing.

There was nothing I can do to stop the pain but let the tears stream down. I spent almost every night shutting myself in my room. Before midnight, while everyone was tucked in their bed, was when the sorrow hit me the hardest.

But a few days later, I felt a lot of better, thankfully. I managed to smile more often. Found myself no longer grieving over things beyond my control. Or giving a d*mn about people who don’t matter. There I realized, all I need is (just) time.

Yes, the answer is time. All we need is just some space and time. To think, to contemplate, to realize.. That there is a certain reason for every little thing that happened in life.

Untuk akhirnya menerima kenyataan, menata hati, merelakan, bahkan akhirnya, memaafkan. Berdamai dengan keadaan, ridha atas apa yang telah Allah gariskan, dan yang terpenting, memaafkan diri sendiri atas semua kekacauan yang telah terjadi.

Yeah, it turned out that it’s just about time. Time to mend every broken pieces, to put it back into whole again. Dan tiap fase tak selalu memakan jarak dan waktu yang sama. Some may take longer than another. And that’s alright.

Ketika kita bersedih, terluka, kecewa, kehilangan.. Tak ada yang bisa dilakukan selain pasrah terhadap takdir dan ketentuan Allah. And all we can do is wait. Wait and enjoy every inch of the pain, day by day.

Nikmati setiap jengkal luka dan sakit hati itu, jangan dipaksa sembuh jika belum waktunya. Let it go, but this time, just go with the flow. Let it bleed when it needs to, but don’t keep touching it. Or romanticizing it.

I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but c’est la vie. This is life. Full of disappointing reality. We can’t always get or have what we want. We should not expect permanent things in a world filled with temporary ones.

That’s it. Kelapangan hati untuk menerima bahwa “selamanya” bukanlah sebuah kata yang pantas kita harapkan di dunia yang sementara ini. Demikian juga hal-hal dan mereka yang berada di dalamnya.

Dunia dan isinya, adalah sementara yang seringkali kita kira selamanya. Hidup selalu menyuguhkan kejutan dan plot twist yang sama sekali tak terduga.

Things and surprises that we never saw coming. Fragile moments which we keep on stumbling. And that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Dynamic, keep changing, and full of unexpected things.

All we need to do is take it as it is and make the best out if it. Face it with grace.

We won’t laugh, nor will we weep forever. Those sea of sadness taught us to appreciate the presence of happiness even more..

“We don’t always have to put on a brave face. We will face hardships and struggle because that is the way this dunya is made. The only way we can get through it, is to literally get through it. Accept it.

You don’t need to keep smiling, you just need to keep going.”

— via mindofserenity

“Forever” is not a word we can cling on to in this temporary dunya. Everything has its own expiry date. Feelings, weather, seasons, people. They are all keep on changing. So is life and those little things that follow.

We all need time to adjust with the changes. Just sit and enjoy while it lasts.

Nothing is forever, right? Even the darkest clouds will turn into a lot of rain and ended with beautiful silence, lovely smell of wet fresh ground named petrichor. Or if we are lucky, we may find rainbow across the sky.

Take your time, dear.. Never in a rush. Let it bleed, let it hurt until it can’t anymore. Yes, this too, like many other obstacles, shall pass..

There will come a day when you no longer belong in the past. When you cut all the ties from everything that keeps bringing you down. When you refuse to going back to the old version of you.

All the things we could never talk about or compromise…

People we thought we can never live without..

Feelings that lingered and crawled back into our spines..

All those sleepless nights full of anxiety and regrets..

They all are proves that as human, we are blessed with this instinct to move forward, to rise after falling. Even after those storms and hurricanes that we never knew how to overcome.

We went through a lot of things in life to learn something. We grow, we evolve. Sure it hurts at first. But if we keep going, walking, and running, somehow we’ll find that Allah’s help is near.

As the saying goes, we mature with the damage, not with the years.

Never lose the faith. Until you can put a smile on that tired face as you realized, “Here I am, I went through it all, and survived, alhamdulillaah.”

And when those dark shadows and worst fears keep lurking and reminding who you were before you are today, you’d be glad to finally say,

“I’m you. But stronger.”

~ Jakarta, end of September 2021.. ’cause everything that tried to drown me only taught me how to swim.


[ image source: Pinterest & Pinterest ]


7 thoughts on “I’m You, but Stronger

  1. Karena yang Allah uji itu hati manusia.. bukan sekedar perkara kaya atau miskin, sehat atau sakit.. saat imannya kuat, sudah ridho, hati pun sembuh.. btw, quotes yang Haruki Murakami itu dari buku yang mana ya? Kayaknya sempet baca di buku yang bahas tentang gempa atau apa itu, tapi lupa judulnya..


  2. Barakallahu lak… mbaaakk… ini betul2 mewakili saya banget… akhir nya sy nangis juga.. Terima kasih mba meutia… big hug n kissed… ❤


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